Monday, July 7, 2008

A Useful Guide on How to be a Lady

I’ve always been lectured about becoming a lady. (that is when people accept the fact that I am a girl. Yeah, I am, Don’t look so skeptical!!) I’m still trying my level best. This is for all you tom boy girls who have to become ladies now. We don’t want to. But we have to. Welcome to the club….
Written below are the tricks of the trade to become a lady. I’ve written yes(for the ones I follow)/no(for the one’s I don’t) to see if I’m on the right path to my destination or not.

1) Walk in a lady like manner. Those latke and jhatke moments as they say. (They, henceforth refers to the Honourable company I am in, these days) I try, I do try. I got those girly shoes too. I’m still trying. Not always though ! And see, I wear salwar kameez regularly. So what if I don’t carry them in a lady like manner ? I’m trying, ok? (YES)
2) Grow long nails ( I will NOT abide by this rule! I can kick guys or punch them or step on their feet, but will not scare them with my long nails like you ladies do !) (NO)
3) Freak out when you break a nail (I don’t have nails anymore. I’ve bitten off all my nails because of IPL and Euro 2008. On a serious note, I use my nail cutter sincerely, so there is no question about growing long nails. I will not abide by this rule again !) (NO)
4) Say with a worried expression that you will not play any sport because you are afraid you will become muscular(you’ll look and feel healthy, dammit)/you will sweat (Duh, you can take a bath later, I think)/you will break your nails (why? Why? Why do we have nails, God/Goddess?)/guys will laugh (Do they laugh at Sania Mirza? Maria Sharapova? Anyway, who cares about them laughing!!)/scared of becoming dark (what are sunscreens, lotions, fair and lovely for? And take Sania and Maria for example. They still have the same complexion inspite of playing in hot summer, chilly winters, right?)(I’LL PLAY EVEN IF AN EARTHQUAKE COMES. TRY STOPPING ME. A BIG NO NO.)
5) Poke your eyes with eye liner, eye shadow (as my smart friend, Joyeeta, who explained me the difference between eye liner and eye shadow and other weird crap , pointed out today that eye shadow is put above the eye, or some weird thing like that, so why is it called a shadow? She knows me too well to expect an answer from me about it.) and rub your face vigourously with foundation, rouge (I think I got the spelling right) which makes you look pale white like a ghost. And use the lip gloss, then the lipstick (Aha, I got the order right !) to make the lipstick glitter or something like that (Wow, I’m surprising myself) Yeah, enough of make up, don’t you think? I put my face under the scanner during those fresher party thingys we got. And I gotta undergo it again during the upcoming farewell parties next year (Oh No!!) Nevertheless, I proved I’ve mugged the catalogue of “know your make up” Mom, Sis, Joyeeta, Harini, aren’t you proud of me ? You’d better be. (SNIFF. YES)
6) If you see someone you know standing at a far off distance, DON’T yell out his/her name. Specially if it’s a him. (I try, I really try to stop, but I hardly get to shout ! So, I do it with flourish much to Joyeeta’s embarrassment. And of course, the person’s name whom I called out won’t even bother to get embarrassed; he/she would be used to it. Guess even Joyeeta is used to it, since she never stops me nowadays, hmmm.) (NO)
7) Do NOT abuse. I’m trying, I’m really trying. Like, in this post, I wrote “something” instead of “some shit” !! I’m so good! I’m reducing abusing, really.(SOB. YES)
8) Do NOT bet on matches. That’s a guy’s thing. Leave it to them. (All guys are NOT Emraan Hashmis in Jannat. Anyway, it’s fun betting!!! ) But I’m trying to stop, these days. I didn’t keep a bet with anyone for today’s Asia Cup India v. Sri Lanka finals !!! (SOB. YES)
9) Read Magazines. Femina, Filmfare, Stardust, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Era, etc. Mug everything in it. Specially the neat articles they give about why men suck or how to impress a guy etc. And make sure you take those quizzes too. (I DO IT, I DO IT. YES)
10) Take good care of your hair. Use right proportion of shampoo and conditioner. Too much of conditioner makes the hair frizzy (as they say) (YES. I MAINTAIN MY HAIR PRETTY DECENTLY)
11) Use the right accessories with your outfit. (YES. I KEEP 2 MINUTES OF THE MORNING FOR THAT, SPECIALLY)
12) Supposed to be very particular about perfumes. (I USE LESS OF IT BECAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING. ANYWAY, YES)
13) The shoes should suit your outfit. (YES. I DO A DECENT JOB.)
14) Obsessed with pink, need I elaborate? (TOTALLY.YES)
15) Oh, the bottle is so cute! Oh, the mobile is so cute! Oh, your t-shirt is so cute! Oh, the movie was so cute! In short, everything has to be cute. Also say “awww” after using the word “cute” (YES. I SAY CUTE BUT NOT AWWW. I’M STILL TRYING, OK?)
16) Scan other girl’s clothes from top to bottom and then discuss about it. Notice if someone repeats their clothes twice in a week or not. (YES.)
19) Shopping is not a necessity. It’s an obsession. Waste at least 3 hours to get one jeans (ERR. I DO SHOP. BUT QUICKLY. 10 MINS MAXIMUM AND I’M DONE. I’LL TRY TO REDUCE MY SPEED. YES)
20) Chocolates. (YES YES TOTALLY!)
21) When a rival (that is a girl) praises your outfit, you never know whether she was praising it or criticizing it. (I DON’T WONDER ABOUT THAT. NO)
22) Diet Conscious. No cheese sandwich, no rice, a fruit everyday. (I NEED TO PUT ON WEIGHT, MAN, OR ELSE I’M GOING TO BECOME ANNOREXIC. NO)
23) Ask everyone in sight, “Have I become fat?” and answer it yourself, “Oh yes, I’ve become soooooo fat (sounding like you have triplets in your stomach) (I BEG PEOPLE TO BELIEVE ME THAT I HAVE PUT ON WEIGHT, AND THEY THINK I’M MAKING FUN OF THEM. NEVER MIND.YES)
Want more? To be frank, I don’t.
Yay! I’m 75% a lady now!

P.S- My sympathies with us. What did we do that we have to bear this everyday?? Aren’t we better off not doing the above mentioned shit(I abused ONLY ONCE in the whole post, ok?)what ladies do? Guess, we don’t have to bother answering.


Prabhu Dutta Das said...

For a girl to be a lady itna sab kucch??
Reminds me off the scene to be a rathore man from a child (Jaane Tu.. Ya Jaane na...)

Anyways as always your girly issues raise the eyebrows..Till I find them tilting and drooping sideways!

alex paul k said...

25. Ladies usually dont have such good sense of humor

so plz do(not) part with it

Mads said...

@prabhu. YES it's a big bad world out there !!

@alex paul..
lol that was an awesome comment....thank u! :-)

Abhinav Viswambharan said...

"My sympathies with us. What did we do that we have to bear this everyday?? Aren’t we better off not doing the above mentioned shit(I abused ONLY ONCE in the whole post, ok?)"

Bu hu ha ha ha ha...

A kewl post...I and a couple of my roomies sat and read it together. We were laughing...laughing...laughing and laughing. :D

Mads said...

@abhinav... :-| at least someone finds my sorrowful plight funny. lol glad u liked it...