Jab she left

Yes, I'm still obsessed with Jab we met. Although, I didn't meet anyone in a train.(why?why?why am I always surrounded by goons or sad middle aged ladies who shoot dirty looks at me, or stare way too much at me?) One of the mantras to be followed- I should not expect meeting anyone even remotely close to Shahid Kapur.
Ok,so this post is written on the day my sis left (see, if you read my blog, you are supposed to know the when,where,how,why as to my sis's departure. I'm not that jobless to keep a hold on my emotions and keep writing about her purpose) Anyways, till afternoon, packing was still on.A debate was going on as to where to pack scissors and nail cutter, because the security guys are going to check it or remove it or some shit. So it was necessary to keep it within reach in the bag so that she could remove it with ease. If you didn't understand the above mentioned explanation, don't break your head on it. Anyways, so the debate was going on, and I was completely lost. So I jumped inside the computer.
Yes, I was upset. But of course, I couldn't show it, because of all that bull shit that I have to be strong and she needs my love and support and blah blah. It's true bull shit, I guess. Mom hovered inside the room many a time and sneakily looked at me to see whether I'm crying or not. Of course, she was doing an equally commendable job by flashing fake smiles and making sad PJ's while she bustled around. Gah, she is my mom, and I'm her daughter, we both know each other's tricks of the trade.
Guests kept coming and the bloody phone never stopped ringing. I cursed every 5 minutes with flourish. Ok, it’s not their fault, that they love my sister, but what the heck !!! I come all the way from Gandhinagar, (Huh, 40 mins only, but still, it’s 40 damn mins!!) bunk college, (only 5 damn lectures, but still, I might have those weird sudden cough-cold shit and miss classes and hello, I have attendance shortage) and get up early at 9:30 and stare at her running around packing stuff. And live on one coffee a day since my dear friend lectured me (rather scared me) on ‘the latest way to die is to drink coffee’. Hey, I just had a brainwave. Now that I stopped having my usual 3-4 cups of coffee, why don’t I scare you into giving it up? (if you’re a coffee person, that is. And if you aren’t, you’re just dumb) Ok, here it goes.
1) Caffeine is as dangerous at nicotine.
2) It ruins your complexion, and you become dark. (My friend happily pointed out my face as an example. I was hurt, hey my complexion isn’t that bad!!)

So, I was glued to the computer, pretending I don’t exist, while my mom and sis entertained the guests. I applied plan A which was a strategy to show the guests I’m there, and to buzz off immediately. The plan was to serve them water and serve them ice cream later on. And sneakily come inside the computer room after serving them. I was feeling lost. It was seriously hard living on one cup of coffee. Glum Glum.
Finally it was airport time. It was pretty normal. Mom sniffed a little. Dad was indifferent as ever (I admire the way guys hide their emotions, seriously) My sis and I exchanged a big bear hug (My dad screamed, hey you’ll fall down- I still don’t know how we managed that hug, man) and she was off. She did the security check and shit, while we waited outside (They didn’t allow us inside, maybe security was beefed up after the Ahmedabad blasts) I stared at an ad of Bank of Baroda which showed Rahul Dravid with a V for Victory pose, to kill time. Finally, security shit was over, and she waved us bye for the last time (Kabhi alvida mat kehna, phir milne ki ummeed kho jaati hai!!!!) She was smiling way too much. I wondered if she had met a hot guy already.

But the point of the whole thing was that I didn’t cry at all. Was it Rahul Dravid’s presence that worked wonders? Was it the fact that I had grown up finally? Did I become emotionless after experiencing shit in the hostel?
We reached home and had our dinner. I watched K serials merrily while mom burst into tears after making a call to our cook (Our cook too cried that morning)
At 11 something, I went to my bedroom. I had to change the goodnight mat. I realized I didn’t know how to change it, because my sis did it always. I experimented with it, and finally the red light came on. Phew.
The bed was too large now. I could sleep comfortably with my 5 dolls. Ewww. This was bad. All responsibilities shit on the head. I had to wipe the damn vessels and take all the calls in a polite manner and shit. And I had to learn cooking and shit soon. Ewww.

But the tears had still not come out.

Life after the 26/7/08 blasts in Ahmedabad

For those who care if I'm alive or dead, I'm alive, but not quite kicking. It's so depressing. Not only for Ahmedabad but the Bangalore blasts too. And now India's on high alert. Damn!!
This post is about my life after the blasts. Has it changed or not? They say Mumbai is the only place where life gets back to normal after an earthquake, floods anything. But it's humanly not possible after blasts, specially, be it Ahmedabad or Mumbai. Here's why.

I finally rushed from my hostel to go home (Purpose: My sis is leaving for NY on Tuesday. And the blasts occurred on Saturday. Sunday was declared a holiday --my college works on Sundays and we get Wednesdays off--but since 3 live bombs were defused in the morning, my college authorities and basically everyone, wasn't cool with anyone going to A'bad, which is so understandable. But in the noon, I couldn't bear it, and I rushed, after taking permission from my warden) So cool, I walked to the rickshaw stand to catch a rickshaw to the jeep stand. I usually recognized all the rickshaw guys but the one who motioned me to sit in his rick was unfamiliar (which I realized, after I sat in and was already half way through) Was he a terrorist in disguise? Was he kidnapping me? Would he use me as a suicide bomber then? Suddenly the rick guy drove fast. Ok, the road was clear, so he was driving fast. But the fast grew to faster. He was speeding now, like it was a Ferrari. Great, he was gonna kill me and not use me as a suicide bomber. He slowed then and turned back and told me something. We were near the jeep stand, so I wondered what it was. I looked on scaredly and muttered "Jeep stand" thinking he asked me where I wanted to go. He shook his head furiously. That's it, the terrorist is pissed, he was gonna throw me out of the rickshaw. He turned back and asked me whether we had a holiday in college today or not.
Ok, that was close, as I left the rickshaw and walked to the jeep stand. I walked straight and saw a cycle parked on the side of the road. It had a polythene bag hung on it.
That's it. I could have won any marathon, as I furiously crossed the road, walked quickly, and crossed again back to the side where the cycle was parked, after I overtook the cycle.
Cool. No bombs in there too.
I climbed into the jeep. A lady greeted me with a huge, sincere smile. She had 2 bags in her hands. Were there female terrorists in this world? I thought hard. One bag contained bananas, apples and some weird small stuff. I bored my eyes into it, but could make out something dark only. She was busy gabbing to me about the blasts. Did she want my opinion on it? Was she a terrorist in disguise who would kill me if I said it was a terrible thing? Or was she a terrorist who would include me in their clan if I said it rocked? I said, "Hmmmm" diplomatically and asked if there were more blasts today or not. She said no with a worried look. Soon, other people (terrorists?) joined us in the jeep.
The ride was rocking as usual as I rocked against the two ladies next to me on either sides. An old man got in when the lady with the fruits left near Sarkhej (one of the blast sites!!!!!) The old man had a bag with him which he clutched steadily. Were old men terrorists? He asked me how much to pay to Iskon, and I told me the amount. Even if he was a terrorist, I can outrun him. But could I outrun the bullets or bombs?
I got down at Iskon and got inside a rickshaw to come home (Yes, it's a long damned process to come home....) The rickshaw guy smirked at me. I was too tired to think if he was a terrorist or not, since I was half dead.
I reached home and realized I was short of cash. I marched up to the second floor of my home (in lift, of course), got the money, came down, threw the money on the guy's face. He smirked back. I didn't get the joke, and I didn't bother thinking about it. I climbed up and fell into my sister's waiting arms.

p.s- No intention to defame the common men (and women). I have Freedom to Think, ok?

Reasons why my sister should not go to New York

1) She has to share her house with strangers. Bathroom specially. She gets bugged when both of us need to use the bathroom at the same time. (telepathy, I know) What if her turn to use the loo there doesn't come at all?
2) She has to cook for herself and for her other room mates. What is she food poisons them? I'm not even a full fledged lawyer to bail her out of this mess!!!!! I won't even be there as the guinea pig i.e. taster-tester of the food she cooks. And yeah, my occasional helping her out while wiping the vessels and putting them away. (though I talk most of the time, while she wipes, puts them away and replies back!!)
3) Who will I talk to at 1 am when I'm bright, energetic, full of life? My mom would take revenge and wake up at 6 am if I dared to wake her at 1 am and ask her to 'talk' to me.
4) She can't borrow my clothes. (And of course, vice versa)
5) She can't abuse me watching K serials anymore. And she'll be obsessed with weird 'normal' American 'soaps'.
6) If it's urgent, she can't pee on the roads which is only humanly possible in India.
7) She won't be able to drive on roads devoid of cows, donkeys, buffaloes, dogs.
8) She'll get a firanga boyfriend who will become her husband. They will get a kid who will ask me to play baseball with him. And he'll think I'm crap because I watch cricket. He won't love me at all !!!!!
9) She will forget bargaining and will end up spending zillions of dollars extra.
10) She will not come out of the air conditioned room when she comes back to India. She'll become phobic to Indian summers.
11) She won't step into Gandhinagar to visit me. She won't even like Mumbai, forget Ahmedabad, saying it's too 'small' a place. (Anyway, she hates Mumbai.)

If I get all the money in the world.....

(I'm not money obsessed, btw. But this seems like an ideal blog post. I'm jobless, in short. So, let me fantasize what I would do if I had all the money in the world.... I want to buy Rahul Dravid, but naah, he's got a wife and kid. Responsibilities and all, you know. Shit.

1) Catch the first flight to Sri Lanka and go to Colombo where India's playing against Sri Lanka and get a pic clicked with Team India. And another pic with only me and Dravid (Hah, his wife and kids have not tagged along with him to Sri Lanka, so I can be the predator, and he, the prey!)
2)Buy Times of India, so they have no option except to allow me to rule them. I'll be editor of TOI and will improve TOI as a paper. (Hey, TOI rocks, alright?!?!)
3) Buy Shahid Kapur. He's so cute !
4) Buy a law degree and buzz off from my college (My college rocks, I'm just kidding, ok!!!)
) Shop without looking at the price tags.
6) Go to Chennai, see my grandparents every week.
7) Buy my sis a M.S. and Ph.d. in Pharmacy so that she does not have to go to the U.S.
8) Get her a job in some big shot Pharmaceutical company (which she would get even without my money, seeing her over whelming resume)
9) Get a new phone
10) Get new soft toys and barbies
11) Buy Cristiano Ronaldo for myself. And yeah, maybe get him to Gandhinagar and ask him to coach my college guys.
12) Buy Nadal for my sister. And get a good guy for Nadal's girlfriend as a replacement. (See, I'm considerate.)
13) Send Dad and Mom off for a holiday.
14) Get Sonia Gandhi and Deepika Padukone for my grandfather (But my grandpa likes Yuvraj, ok.)
15) Get the most expensive treatments done on my grandparents to make them alive and kicking (They are already alive and kicking ok. But maybe a little more!!)
16) Watch an Indo-Pak match live in Eden Gardens with my grandparents, family and all. Before that, fix the match in India's favour.
17) Buy Sachin Tendulkar and get him to coach my college guys. And force him to teach the girls cricket too. (But hey, I'm leaving college!!!)
18) Buy all the books I can lay my eyes on.
19) Repair global warming. I mean, eradicate it.
20) Brain wash all the politicians and remove all the corruptness from them.
21) No poverty in this world, because Madhuri Iyer is rich !
22) Hold an auction for an Indian guy who :-
a)a great sense of humour
b)can talk 24*7 about sports
c)must be loyal to friends
d)must not hate Rahul Dravid (and it's okay if he likes Sachin more than Dravid)
e)must be a Manchester United fan
f)must be at least 6' or more than 6'
g)must be a techno-savvy person
h)must be addicted to music
i)must be a family person
j)must not be a Virgo
k)must not be a male chauvinist
l)must be sweet and cute
m)must have good writing skills
n)must be creative, innovative
o)must listen to my kinda music
p)must not be moody
q)must be educated (DUH !!!!)
r)must dance and sing well
s)must be patient
t)must like Preity Zinta
u)must not be a smoker, doper, drinker(?!?!?!?!)
v)must be a social activist
w)must be ready to do and die for India
x)must respect Gujjus and South Indians
y)must have no pets
z)preferrably an Arien or Leo or Capricon or Libra
aa)must have dimples (preferrably only one cheek)
ab)must not be obsessed with money

I have to go out for shopping (of course, looking at the price tags)
But I'm still dreaming of owning Ronaldo and surrounded by books and catching a flight to Kolkata and barging into Sachin's dressing room and demanding him to come to my college......

New Semester Resolutions

This blog post is dedicated to whoever thought of the concept of “New Year Resolutions”. Thanks to that person, I found a topic for my new blog post. And an innovative way to kill valuable time.

1) Be early to class. (I’ve been late only 2-3 times in the 1st week)
2) Don’t miss your attendance. (I missed my attendance only 3-4 times in the 1st week)
3) Take notes. (I’m trying, I’m really trying)
4) Control your temper (I lost my temper only on the 6th day of college. Not bad, at all)
5) Eat well (I hog lunch and dinner. I should have better breakfast and snacks henceforth)
6) Don’t sleep in class (Naah, I won’t)
7) Answer in class (Yeah, I did it once! And will continue to answer!)
8) Don’t abuse. Even if it’s Ricky Ponting (Tuff one. I’m trying. Seriously)
9) Don’t shout and howl and scream and yell (Sigh. I won’t)
10) Write more original stories and don’t react to criticisms. You are not perfect. (Yes Sir)
11) Behave in a civilized manner with everyone. ( Cool.)
12) Get decent marks in mid sems and Continuous Evaluations. It’s no use getting great marks in end sems if your marks suck in mid sems and CE (I realized this after 2 years. Yes, I’m dumb)
13) Improve your vocabulary. And I don’t mean abuse vocabulary (Hello, why you being sarcastic to yourself ?) Extensive vocabulary would help your career (???) as a journalist.
14) Jump to the front benches. Then you have no option other than paying attention in class. And you can't even use your cell phone sneakily-I got caught, just yesterday. *sighs* (See, I promoted myself to the second bench, because I used to come late--oops, I broke my 1st resolution, I'll improve, I promise, I promise!!!---yeah so I come late, so all the places at the back are occupied, so I sit on the 2nd bench, and it's actually not that bad. So, I'll jump to and fro from the third last bench and the 2nd bench as per my "mood")


And the list is to be continued.....Let's see if I can follow 14 commandments of my "life"....

Pluto, Oh Pluto, we miss you.....

Pluto floated in space slowly and steadily. He was alone, some stars hovering nearby. The body of planets remained indifferent to its existence. They never talked to him since the day the NASA scientists had discarded it from the planets.

Pluto tried hard to remain indifferent and emotionless. His heart bled with sorrow and misery. It had cried enough, that tears refused to come out. He still smiled as he remembered all the years when the nine planets played with the stars together. They learnt their numbers together while counting the stars. They threw a bash whenever Halley’s comet arrived. They teased Saturn for being the most beautiful planet. Pluto blushed as he thought of Saturn and Venus. Pluto smiled nostalgically. Venus was the eternal beauty. He remembered his best mate, Jupiter. Jupiter and Pluto bonded well despite the difference in their sizes.

Pluto now had tears in his eyes as he recalled those days. The students on Planet Earth, smiling in satisfaction as they ended the answer to the question ‘Name the nine planets’, with ‘Pluto’. Pluto was a dwarf, and the most pampered planet of all because of his size.

It had all come to an end. No one loved him any more. Pluto wiped his tear streaked face as the moon passed by and pointedly ignored him.

My other half

This blog post is dedicated to my other half. Who incidentally, is not my better half. Because we are the same halves. It’s my elder sister who I am talking about.

She cried when I was born. (Sigh, how rude can she get starting from day 1 of my life) I followed her wherever she went (Bathroom, NOT being an exception). She sang the poems and recited the alphabet to the guests while I hid behind her, ashamed of myself (Was I stupid since then?) She had a perennial laugh on her face while I cried on my mom’s lap (What opposites we were, man) My grandmom was on her side while grandpa on mine (That’s why our grandparents keep fighting!!!!) She famously slept on 7 pillows at once (I still wonder how come her neck is still not paining) She did my homework while I did hers when she was in 4th standard and I, in 2nd (!!!!!!) She fractured her hand while trying out some acrobatics in the garden, while I fractured my hand (many years later) while running in the house at night (!!!!!) We watched an Aus-SA match (why??) the night before our Gujarati final exam and Dad roared at us for disturbing him (Who can be so stupid to switch on the T.V in front of which Dad was asleep and cover the T.V with our homework books so that the light won’t fall on Dad?! Although, it did work for some minutes!! He finally woke up when my sis asked me to switch off the T.V and I switched on the tubelight-Why me , why me, why me? Was I a tubelight since then or what?) When we went out on our expeditions (exploring the roads near our house), we entered a road with a dead end. We reached the end and a pack of dogs came barking, howling towards us. She ran away but I was rooted to the spot (Was I that slow since then?) I succeeded in jumping over the dogs (I should represent India in hurdles competition, hmm) and running away. Our cycling days (she drove, I sat behind her lol) to those dumb drawing classes (it helped her, not me !!!!) Our “adventurous” games at those friends’ houses and those picnics in the compound of the house (!!!!!!) Our grandpa getting us a basketball net and teaching us to play basketball. Our grandpa teaching us badminton. (NOW, EVERYONE KNOWS WHY WE PLAY SO WELL!!!) Our grandmom forcing us to recite 30 times tables when she bathed us !!! Our grandpa forcing us to support MSK and Sadagopan Ramesh because they are Tamilians (!!!!!!) My sister shouting at the girls who bullied me in school (Yes, I was bullied in school, that’s why I’m a bully now!!) Our games of out-out (Oh man, she’s an expert in that game) and our lunches being snatched away by that girl who gobbled it up in one go (And we let her do that?!) Our grandpa wading in the waters to get us home from school. Our grandmom shoving dosais and idlis into us all the time. (Presses fast forward button or this post will never end)

Now, she’s 21, I’m 19. She likes Nadal and I like Dravid. (No more common crushes for us!!!) She’s going off to America, Australia, whatever for Post Graduation (When? When the hell did she become a Graduate? Where the hell did the time fly?) I’m pondering over the meaning of life in Gandhinagar.
In short, I’m only “huri” now. Because my other half (The “Mad” one) is off to Uncle Sam’s land.

A Useful Guide on How to be a Lady

I’ve always been lectured about becoming a lady. (that is when people accept the fact that I am a girl. Yeah, I am, Don’t look so skeptical!!) I’m still trying my level best. This is for all you tom boy girls who have to become ladies now. We don’t want to. But we have to. Welcome to the club….
Written below are the tricks of the trade to become a lady. I’ve written yes(for the ones I follow)/no(for the one’s I don’t) to see if I’m on the right path to my destination or not.

1) Walk in a lady like manner. Those latke and jhatke moments as they say. (They, henceforth refers to the Honourable company I am in, these days) I try, I do try. I got those girly shoes too. I’m still trying. Not always though ! And see, I wear salwar kameez regularly. So what if I don’t carry them in a lady like manner ? I’m trying, ok? (YES)
2) Grow long nails ( I will NOT abide by this rule! I can kick guys or punch them or step on their feet, but will not scare them with my long nails like you ladies do !) (NO)
3) Freak out when you break a nail (I don’t have nails anymore. I’ve bitten off all my nails because of IPL and Euro 2008. On a serious note, I use my nail cutter sincerely, so there is no question about growing long nails. I will not abide by this rule again !) (NO)
4) Say with a worried expression that you will not play any sport because you are afraid you will become muscular(you’ll look and feel healthy, dammit)/you will sweat (Duh, you can take a bath later, I think)/you will break your nails (why? Why? Why do we have nails, God/Goddess?)/guys will laugh (Do they laugh at Sania Mirza? Maria Sharapova? Anyway, who cares about them laughing!!)/scared of becoming dark (what are sunscreens, lotions, fair and lovely for? And take Sania and Maria for example. They still have the same complexion inspite of playing in hot summer, chilly winters, right?)(I’LL PLAY EVEN IF AN EARTHQUAKE COMES. TRY STOPPING ME. A BIG NO NO.)
5) Poke your eyes with eye liner, eye shadow (as my smart friend, Joyeeta, who explained me the difference between eye liner and eye shadow and other weird crap , pointed out today that eye shadow is put above the eye, or some weird thing like that, so why is it called a shadow? She knows me too well to expect an answer from me about it.) and rub your face vigourously with foundation, rouge (I think I got the spelling right) which makes you look pale white like a ghost. And use the lip gloss, then the lipstick (Aha, I got the order right !) to make the lipstick glitter or something like that (Wow, I’m surprising myself) Yeah, enough of make up, don’t you think? I put my face under the scanner during those fresher party thingys we got. And I gotta undergo it again during the upcoming farewell parties next year (Oh No!!) Nevertheless, I proved I’ve mugged the catalogue of “know your make up” Mom, Sis, Joyeeta, Harini, aren’t you proud of me ? You’d better be. (SNIFF. YES)
6) If you see someone you know standing at a far off distance, DON’T yell out his/her name. Specially if it’s a him. (I try, I really try to stop, but I hardly get to shout ! So, I do it with flourish much to Joyeeta’s embarrassment. And of course, the person’s name whom I called out won’t even bother to get embarrassed; he/she would be used to it. Guess even Joyeeta is used to it, since she never stops me nowadays, hmmm.) (NO)
7) Do NOT abuse. I’m trying, I’m really trying. Like, in this post, I wrote “something” instead of “some shit” !! I’m so good! I’m reducing abusing, really.(SOB. YES)
8) Do NOT bet on matches. That’s a guy’s thing. Leave it to them. (All guys are NOT Emraan Hashmis in Jannat. Anyway, it’s fun betting!!! ) But I’m trying to stop, these days. I didn’t keep a bet with anyone for today’s Asia Cup India v. Sri Lanka finals !!! (SOB. YES)
9) Read Magazines. Femina, Filmfare, Stardust, Cosmopolitan, Women’s Era, etc. Mug everything in it. Specially the neat articles they give about why men suck or how to impress a guy etc. And make sure you take those quizzes too. (I DO IT, I DO IT. YES)
10) Take good care of your hair. Use right proportion of shampoo and conditioner. Too much of conditioner makes the hair frizzy (as they say) (YES. I MAINTAIN MY HAIR PRETTY DECENTLY)
11) Use the right accessories with your outfit. (YES. I KEEP 2 MINUTES OF THE MORNING FOR THAT, SPECIALLY)
12) Supposed to be very particular about perfumes. (I USE LESS OF IT BECAUSE OF GLOBAL WARMING. ANYWAY, YES)
13) The shoes should suit your outfit. (YES. I DO A DECENT JOB.)
14) Obsessed with pink, need I elaborate? (TOTALLY.YES)
15) Oh, the bottle is so cute! Oh, the mobile is so cute! Oh, your t-shirt is so cute! Oh, the movie was so cute! In short, everything has to be cute. Also say “awww” after using the word “cute” (YES. I SAY CUTE BUT NOT AWWW. I’M STILL TRYING, OK?)
16) Scan other girl’s clothes from top to bottom and then discuss about it. Notice if someone repeats their clothes twice in a week or not. (YES.)
17) GIGGLING. (YES. NOT GIGGLING. BUT GETTING THRILLED OVER NOTHING.)
18) GOSSIP MONGERS ( I HATE IT, BUT I HAVE TO. I HATE IT, I HATE IT. YES)
19) Shopping is not a necessity. It’s an obsession. Waste at least 3 hours to get one jeans (ERR. I DO SHOP. BUT QUICKLY. 10 MINS MAXIMUM AND I’M DONE. I’LL TRY TO REDUCE MY SPEED. YES)
20) Chocolates. (YES YES TOTALLY!)
21) When a rival (that is a girl) praises your outfit, you never know whether she was praising it or criticizing it. (I DON’T WONDER ABOUT THAT. NO)
22) Diet Conscious. No cheese sandwich, no rice, a fruit everyday. (I NEED TO PUT ON WEIGHT, MAN, OR ELSE I’M GOING TO BECOME ANNOREXIC. NO)
23) Ask everyone in sight, “Have I become fat?” and answer it yourself, “Oh yes, I’ve become soooooo fat (sounding like you have triplets in your stomach) (I BEG PEOPLE TO BELIEVE ME THAT I HAVE PUT ON WEIGHT, AND THEY THINK I’M MAKING FUN OF THEM. NEVER MIND.YES)
24) Freak out if you get a pimple (KIND OF. PEOPLE REMIND ME THAT I HAVE A PIMPLE, RATHER THAN ME CARING ABOUT IT. YES)
Want more? To be frank, I don’t.
REPORT CARD: YES-18 NO-6
Yay! I’m 75% a lady now!

P.S- My sympathies with us. What did we do that we have to bear this everyday?? Aren’t we better off not doing the above mentioned shit(I abused ONLY ONCE in the whole post, ok?)what ladies do? Guess, we don’t have to bother answering.