Saturday, September 5, 2009

Realization.

It's only after something really drastic happens that you realize who is important in your life and in who's life you are actually important.

It's been 14 days since my grandfather passed away and I admit I'm still not over it. I don't think anyone in my family is over it too. Fortunately, I haven't been avoiding studies or messing up my college activities because of the mourning. Studying helped in distracting me. At least my C.G.P.A might finally increase.

What really hurt was the behaviour of the people around me. People who I considered as my close friends, who I thought knew me in and out, didn't actually know Madhuri Iyer. It hurt when outsiders found my grandfather's death funny and made some crude remarks.I have a policy in my Sense of Humour Act, 2009 that jokes on funerals are strictly prohibited. People haven't seen me like this and yeah it's depressing to be depressing and see depressing faces around always, I understand.But it hurts double when your own people don't understand what you are feeling and don't bother.



But what pisses me off is that it's perfectly alright if people crib about their problems which are like, nothing in front of death. Boy problems and rubbish is more important, it seems. I'm not expecting sympathy and any talk that "Hey, look up there, grandpa is watching you, don't cry". I'm just expecting some sensible moments of peace around me. I lost someone, and I'm not asking everyone around me to tell me to cheer up or some crap. But they expect their problems to be more severe than this. There has been not a single soul to whom I can openly crib, be upset over and share what I'm actually feeling.

It's all about adjusting. All my life I've adjusted to all my friends, family etc. My ego had to be crushed in the mud to meet the demands of others. And whenever there's a fight, it's me who has to apologize even if it's not my fault. Whenever I want to do something or go somewhere, it never happens. If I'm not well, it's perfectly okay. If others aren't well, I have to pamper and be all nice to them. Still, I'm termed selfish. I'm termed bitchy. And this is despite me adjusting to others always. I do listen to others when they are sad, rude, pissed, happy any damn emotion. So why isn't anyone around when I need them? Doesn't sacrificing everything mean friendship? I have as big an ego as others have. But I can't ever be egoistic and avoid my friends just because we have fought or don't bother when my friend is sad. Now it seems I never had any self-esteem. I force myself to change, I tell myself to be strong and be cold to others when they are cold to me, but I just can't do it.

When will the time come when I get to do something which I want and which makes me feel happy? When will the time come when someone understands how I'm feeling without me telling them? I'm not asking for a boyfriend. I'm just asking for a friend who knows me inside out and is with me always to share my happiness as well as sorrow?

P.S- I'm not hinting at school/college/blogger friends over here. As for whom I'm hinting at, it's none of your business.
I know, it's a long post. Let me crib at least on my blog space.

26 comments:

Where thoughts are Word$ said...

Hope you get over it and get someone who'll understand your silence...

Take care..

Akansha Agrawal said...

Kya ho gaya? :-ss

Sorry, it's none of my business...

Kya kahoon main... I'm just by your side... incase you need me... >:D< >:D< :)

Chitwan said...

u seriously dint leave any space for comments to pour in. And neither do i say not to think like that..you are right at your place.Crib,you really need to do that.

But just to remind you..you r'nt alone.Many face this,and continue to face this.May be you already have learnt some of the toughest lessons of life.

Prathi said...

Good One!!,... it happens to all,..my principle is just be happy,...in the minor things ur friends and family give,...Dont take the adjustment adjustment,...just think its ur duty :)

ScarletTd1ar1es said...

:(
everything will be fine trust me. and as for friends they r just circumsatntial thats all. as 4 who will understand u try ur parents. its not my place 2 say but i still have. u tk cr.

Dhanya said...

Oh! You're still not all happy happy. That's why I asked you na before? Why you said you're all okay then? :( I could have pampered u more if you said the truth :)

My umpy umpy umpkin
Madsy is my chweety pie :)

And why did you say you had me in mind when you wrote this? :-o I did or said something bad kya?

*Hugzzz*

Dhanya said...

People are all selfish... at least this way you can figure out who your actual friends are :)

Don't worry too much... main hoon na :D

peter said...

The point is that u have realized ..what it is like, so forget what happened ..and make sure that u don't care about such behaviors from next time onwards !

Priya Joyce said...

u know wat...watever the world says n things like we dun care abt wat people say but ultimately we all do care na..we surely care for our near n dear ones' opinions...

well dun worry a tym wud surely come when u're juss neutral to all this.

tc dear..:):)

Shaunak said...

Everyone goes through this. You're never alone. Without even hinting at school/college/blogger friends, the moment you express your feelings, there's someone to hold your hand and say I'm there. Finding that someone for some takes time, some find them early. Not a boyfriend or a girlfriend, but just a friend to walk with you.
I hope you feel better soon.

I'll try 2 be truthful said...

first of all , i was quite shocked to hear about people who make fun of someone's demise, grandfather or not.

i know you are going through the phase " mere sath hi kyu? maine to kisi ka kuch nahi bigada" .

i also had tried to change for the sake of others, but now i just say " yup i'm selfish and non caring " bass fir kya chinta.

ps- self pity is worse than many other things . :)

MultiMenon said...

Moments like these are a great source for a reality check..On whose with you and whose not..And I guess you do have a good enough indication of it by now..

Just take it by its stride,accept the fact and move ahead..And you were very close to ur grandpa,so its as well not surprising to see,you haven't come out of it.. Its okay madzzi.. :) Time will bring a change..And yeah,we are all there,besides( I am definitely with you,my friend.. )

Take care.. :)

Nikhil

Stupidosaur said...

I am sorry if it was my comment that also contributed to this. It wasn't meant as a joke. It was just like how ppl say "He's at a better place now."

So I mentioned parties and stuff. I really liked him from the post.

Please accept my apologies.
-----------------------------
And of me and others who might have hurt you...

Well we do not regularly face death. So we are a bit inept at appropriate response. We fumble, though we feel deeply. Then we blurt, or avoid. Please forgive.

Time will heal.

Harshita said...

Arey! Mads... take your time... its just been 14 days... dont bother what everyone else feels abt it... it is ur grief... and u decide when to cry, share and feel it. You deserve spending time over it only then you will be able to get over the sadness... ofcourse u can never get over the loss... but accepting is imptt... aur time ke saath ho jaayega

Dont feel guilty for expecting ppl to understand...

Actually forget it all... naam batao jisney mazaak udaaya... chal milkey uski taang todtey hain... LEFT waali teri... aur RIGHT waali meri...

aur abt the friend thing...arey hum sab hain naa... main, niddzzi, peter aur AD... unn sabkey behalf pey, we are always there yaar... tu chilla, daant, maar, ladd, ro, hass... hum tere saath hain... :)

Aa chal jhappi paa... fir taang todney chaltey hain... ;)

Amrita~Ams said...

it happens..
but now u realized na..chunk all....
live d way u like..
hope u get over it soon :)

Nazish Rahman said...

Those that were important yesterday are not important today...n those that are important today will not be important tomorrow!! Its the truth of life. One can never please everyone.

Maybe this is the time that u r waiting for ..its just that u r not able to realize or understand it...try to always see a glass half full, things will b easier.

I wish u all the very best...things should go your way!! Cheers!!

Sweet Addiction said...

I dont knw wht to say. I myslef m messed right nw..
Hugs Twin. >:D<

sidish6 said...

u r lucky that u get chance to ve grandpa like him. . . . i'm not so lucky. . . .


time heals. . . . tc

ki said...

Aww baby :(

It'll get better only with time. but SCREW those who dare to think this is a laughable matter from ANY bloody angle. WTF?!! Don't be trampled over sweetheart, go out and GRAB your righ to have a big ego and your right to say what you want, when you want.

P.S. I love you :)

Mon Espace said...

Two things hit me reading this: I lost my g'dad too, very recently, so i know the feeling. I was his favorite.

The second thing, about realization striking, that has been happening quite a lot to me of late...(my last post was abt that too)

anyway, blog hopped here. nice find. everything will be okay. take care. :)

vaidhei chitlangia said...

smile please....
u r friendz r with you....
may be they could not react to it...
dont worry...

Ria said...

i hope u r feeling better after letting it out here. Smile gurl and dont let such ppl around u affect u in a -ve way.

Scattered Thoughts... said...

I know what you mean.. see this

http://wobblebubble.blogspot.com/2008/09/eternal-truth.html

the emotions are long gone I guess.. everything is a joke..

I'll try 2 be truthful said...

OH MY GOD ( I know this isnt the post where I should write about this) just read your interview and man!! it was so mature !! :O :O pehle laga arre ye apni mads hi hai na , but then i saw your touches too like the developing and developed nation wala ans :P hahha

and u took my name there ?? u must be in love with me :O O seriously yaar maine socha na tha , i was vibhor with bhaav :D my heart is swelling with pride and also because it was your interview by some sensible guy and not those typical blog interview i have seen where they ask " oooo do u like nick carter or kevin carter more"

shabash yaar good job done :D keep it up

ps ( see i'v invented a new smiley :F , which means F*ck lekin non abusive-ly err.. i hope you get the meaning )

bondgal_rulz said...

Heyyyy!!!!

I hope you've put it all in the past.

Sometimes, solitude is the best company.

Hugs
Isha

Sweet Addiction said...

hello mnadam

My new link is www.drunkthought.blogspot.com.
U havbe updated ur blgo roll