Saurav Ganguly's life, in Saurav Ganguly's words.....

Saurav Ganguly's called it a day. He is not going to play in either ODIs or Tests after the Australia series. Many say it's a VRS (Voluntary Retirement 'Schemed') and not VR (Voluntary Retirement). We shall never know what really happened, but can only speculate. Instead of wasting further time, I had better shut up. Because, it's Ganguly who wants to talk to us now.

Hey People,
I'm chucking the usual formalities of hi-how are you now; don't mistake it as my usual arrogance; I'm just doing it because maybe a certain Steve Waugh might be reading this. I can irritate him even after he's retired and I'm following suit (Heeheehee)

You guys (referring to the media, the journalists who earn more money when they stop other's from earning through their hugely speculated and exaggerated articles.Damn you.) carried a story, immediately on my debut, in 1992, that I refused to carry drinks. Yes, I was a rebel since then. And why not? In the end, they had to give in to me. They can call me arrogant, they can call me a stubborn brat. But they needed the aggressive, leader in me. We move to 1996, when I made my Test Debut. I was there at the crease with a fine looking boy, Rahul Dravid. We decided to treat each other; whoever scores more will treat the other. No wonder, Dravid was happier than me when I scored my first century on debut. We hugged each other, then hogged together, immediately after the match; we bonded really well. Cricket was not the only thing we had in common.

Blush Blush. I got my shona at last. I got married to Dona, my next-door neighbour. We eloped and got married; so exciting it was. But we are accepted by both the families now. Treat treat, Dravid winked at me. Sachin, Azharuddin, Manjrekar coached me on the Do's and Dont's of marriage and on How to keep your wife happy 365 days a year. Man. Cricket was much more easier than marriage.

Sahara Cup 1997. I won 5 Consecutive Man of the Match Awards. Man of the series too, btw.

Arjuna Award in 1998. Wow

1999. Man of series against New Zealand. Yo yo yo....

World Cup 1999. My First World Cup. Yay!!! I was representing India. What a feeling. Am glad I ditched football and went for cricket; thanks to my big bro Snehasish. Did you know I played left handed, because my bro was a left hander, and I had to use his equipment? Hehehe. That's how things went 'right' for me. I scored the highest score by an Indian; 183 against Sri Lanka. I beat Kapil paaji's 175*, which was the previous record.

Tendulya and I were one amongst the best opening partnerships in the world, then. We gelled so well, that Dona and Anjali often had their suspicions. Dravid was still single; damn him.

In Feb 2000, I was appointed captain. Treat treat, Dravid sang again. I took over, after the matchfixing scandal. I had my team to back me. The battle was half won already.

The Aussies arrived here, in 2001. Raped us in the 1st match. Then the Kolkata Test happened. I considered changing my sexual orientation after Laxman's scintillating 281 and Dravid's 180, Harbhajan's hat trick, won us the match. It happened on my Eden Gardens soil. I couldn't have been happier. I irritated Steve Waugh by keeping him waiting for the toss. Hehehe. It wasn't intentional. I had better things to do: Keep Sachin's phone away when Anjali called , put gel on Laxman's already gelled hair, pull the nada of Dravid's pants, etc. Others had to take revenge. They used to hide my contact lenses. Sniff sniff. How they trouble their captain. Incidentally, they were psychological tricks which worked. We won 2-1. Steve Waugh hated me. Blush blush.

The Natwest Final, Jan 7, 2001. My current crush- Yuvraj Singh and-newly developed feelings for- Mohammad Kaif, played the match of their lives. The adrenalin rush, the burst of emotions, I didn't know what to do. I removed my t-shirt. My India had won the series out of nowhere. So there. (The best part was Dona screeching on the phone: You looked so hot!)

World Cup 2003. We reached the finals. But lost out badly. Disappointed, we were. For once, Dravid didn't ask for a treat. Thank God he shut up. Why didn't he ask for a treat? Beause he was busy with something else. Ahem. Someone else. He finally got married. In a secret affair to a doctor. Wow. Lovesick, Rahul was and we didn't even know about it. Treat treat treat treat, I bugged him. He simply blushed. Me and Sachin smirked. Welcome to hell, mate.

We matched Australia in their own den. 1-1. My century at Brisbane showed the freaks what I was all about. Sachin, Dravid, Laxman,Sehwag= I wanted to marry all of them. They were too, too good. Irfan Pathan's debut. I knew he had it in him. I came back home. Dona had given up on me. She simply smiled when I talked about them in my sleep. Awww. I love her.

We won in Pakistan after 50 years in 2004. My own form troubled a bit.
Australia came to our home next. The Nagpur test changed my life. And our dear coach. Greg Chappell. I was dropped from captaincy. I went inside the dressing room to pack my bags. Dravid and Sachin didn't know what to tell me. But I understood. Things were going to change professionally. But our personal equation was never going to change. I smiled and asked Dravid for a treat: He was going to be the new captain.

India did well under Dravid's captaincy. He called me after each match. He didn't want the job. He wanted me back. I cried after every call. Didn't he know how badly I wanted to be in the team, if not captain?

You freaks, you media assholes. You don't know when to talk and when to shut up, right? Reports that I had an animated discussion with Dravid because I wanted to open. Oh damn you.

In 2006, my gritty 30's in Karachi, where we lost badly and sadly, didn't help my cause. I was dropped. Again. I went to the dressing room, to collect my bags, to go home. We were men ageing from 25 to 35, in the team. But we didn't behave like one. Everyone cried that evening.

I was back. (drumroll in the background) I raped the South Africans, England team and then Pakistan, single handedly. My first hundred at home (Thank you, Kolkata. Thank you, so much)
My first double hundred-239 at Bangalore (Dravid treated me this time. Hehehe)

Dhoni, is a fine lad. Reports of him and us seniors, being at logger heads and crap, is absolute crap. God bless him. We need Indian captains like him. I knew Yuvraj would do well. He still hails me for everything he does. Blushes.

IPL. Kolkata Knight Riders had its side of controversies. Blah blah blah. Gah.

Surprisingly, I was dropped from the CB series in Australia. Dravid was dropped too. Before, we used to abuse some well chosen gaalis. But now we had grown up. Grown old, I mean.

We won, we didn't complain. We can do anything to see the dejected look on Australian's faces. Even stay out of the team, if India wins.

Me and Dravid had a poor run against Sri Lanka, when we visited them. We discussed retirement. No ways, we both laughed.
I was omitted from the Rest of India squad in the Irani trophy. I don't know what happened. I talked with Dona. I decided I had to retire, after the Australia series. I talked with my team next. Dravid was surprised, but he hid it well. Even Laxman, Sachin. They wanted me to stay, but didn't tell me. I know them too well. But unfortunately, I knew myself better. I couldn't stay any longer.

Thanks to all my fanatics, fans. Thanks to all the anti-Dada people out there; thanks for adding the grey effect to my career. It has been a colourful one.

Love,
Dada.

Just one last thing, lads,
Should Dravid treat me or should I treat him after we win the series against Australia? Or should we take a combined treat from Sachin when he crosses the 77 runs mark? Yeah, that would be a wise thing. Hahahaha. I should tell Dravid and Laxman and the whole team in advance, so that Sachin can't back out. But then, he's used to immense pressure always. Maybe he'll just ignore us? Damnit.

DISCLAIMER- IT'S ALL MY IMAGINATION, WHICH HAS BEEN AS USUAL EXAGGERATED. AN APOLOGY TO PEOPLE WHO FOUND IT DEROGATORY OR UN-AMUSING. I COULDN'T WRITE A TEARFUL TRIBUTE TO GANGULY, BECAUSE I CAN'T DO THAT. HE DESERVES A CHEERFUL ONE.